These are pretty much excerpts from the book titled 'The road less traveled.' written by Dr.M Scott Peck. A book on Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and spiritual growth. This book explains what is love and what is NOT love.
Love can be defined in to various categories:Eros, philia, agape, perfect love and imperfect love.
Definition for love: the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing own's one spiritual growth. All others are more or less infactuations and not true.Let us understand the life from this perspective. When we are just out our mothers womb, we dont realise the difference between our movement and other movement.The child thinks that as it moves the world moves. no difference. It is very happy that everything is as per its like.But as the child grows, it realises...to its shock...understands that things are different..nothing happens as per the child thinks. its assumption is broken. Then as the child grows it develops Ego boudries are developed. Parents are not able understand this as they are in a higher ego sate called parental ego state.At the marriage age when this child meets someone who is in a similar ego state, there are attempts to break the ego boundaries. The breakage of Ego bounties is called Love.
But unfortunately this boundary breakage is very temporary. After marriage again as circumstances develop,differences between the partners grow. They go back to their boundaries...And life is no longer happy..These are the same pair of lovers who thought they are made for each other..But not any more...
What is really needed is the individual spriritual growth...one need to understand oneself better,to understand another...
What is love ? Love is Work and Courage. Work in the form of Attention.
Attention to listen and nurture the spiritual growth ofthe self and others.Courage to face the following risks:
Risks of Love:
1. Risk of loss
2. Risk of Independence
3. Risk of Commitment
4. Risk of Confrontation
Love is Disciplined.Self discipline is essential.
Love is Seperatenes. Keeping yourself as an individual and nuturing your spiritual growth.Love is not simply giving. it is judicious giving and judicious withholding as well.U should know where to show your love and where to withhold it. For instance take this case. A mother showing deep love towards her child. She overprotects her child. Does not let the child to out and mingle with the others. The childonly ended up in developing fear and anxiety over the outside world.
A fathershowed his love towards his son too much. He spent lavishly on his son. Bought everything for him including 2 new cars. This son ended up as a irresponsible person having failed to realise his values.These cases explain why u have to be judicious in showing your love.the word 'judicious' means requiring judgement, and judgement requires more than instinct. It requires thoughtful and often painful decision making. It is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting onfeelings of love. The person should consciously think of the consequences.
The second most common misconception about love is the idea that dependency is Love.Poeple say 'I can not live with him/her'. ( the loved person in subject)This is actually parasitism ands not Love. When u require another induvidual for your survival, you are a parasite on that individual. There is no choice or freedom in that relationship.It is matte of necessity rather than love. Love is a free exercise of choice.Two people love each other Only when they are capable of living with out each other,but choose to live with the each other. Love should be a matter of CHOICE. Such a dependency is the inability to experience wholeness or to function adequately without certanity that one is being actively cared for by another. It is a manifestation of mental illness.If being loved is your goal you will fail to achieve it. The only way of being assured of being loved is to be a person worthy of love. Dependency may appear to be love because it is a force that causes people to attach themselves to one another. But in actuality it is not love; it is a form of antilove.It seeks to receive rather than give. It nourishes infantilism rather than growth.It works to trap and constrict rather than to liberate. Ultimately it destroys ratherthan builds relationships, and it destroys rather than builds people.